They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I stole a fireplace last night.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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