you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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