Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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