So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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