i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
