she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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