dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
