How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
