My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
