I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
