I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
