I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
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