I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
