Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
