All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
