you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
