SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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