Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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