So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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