i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I am available for nakedness
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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