Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Drunk is not a location!
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
