I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I want her autograph on my taint
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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