i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
