Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
