I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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