someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
