I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
