Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Randomize
