Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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