I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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