i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
