I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
