We won't sleep together?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
