so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
