Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
