Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
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