I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
