If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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