He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
