omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
