i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
