the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
