I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
