I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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