then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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