I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
