The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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