I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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