I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
