One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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